It's a Wonderful Life
by Nyodrite
Summary: As his wife's threats, screams and growls grew silent and a wail sounded- a baby's wail- Sakumo had only one thought, 'Oh god, I'm a father'
1. It's a Boy!

Hatake Sakumo liked to believe he was a simple man; he enjoyed gardening because vegetables and the like always tasted better fresh, he liked watching the sunrise and hearing the village rouse itself awake from on top of the Nidaime Hokage's head and loved waking up next to his recently wedded wife, Kaori. As a simple man, he had simple dreams- marrying Mastuoka Kaori, his long-time crush, and helping his village prosper to the best of his abilities.

It was for the second reason that he was contemplating joining ANBU, having already been tested.

Kaori, to say the least, wasn't pleased when she found him heading towards the Hokage's office to accept and be given a codename. "_Why_ would even consider saying yes!?"

"I can help the village this way," He tried placating.

His wife, furious and fearful and as beautiful as the day they met, snarled, "You _are_ helping the village! You help it with each mission you take! You don't need to become a faceless shadow!"

"But I can do so _better_ as an ANBU." He reasoned.

And fear seamed to take precedence as tears filled her blue eyes, "You _can't_, the ANBU members who survive never come back whole. _Please._ I- I'm pregnant and I- I can't lose you."

"Pregnant?" He parroted.

She nodded, "We're going to have a baby."

"I-" he started, swallowed then said, "I have a meeting with the Hokage."

He did his best to ignore her sobs as he left, hundreds of thoughts rushing through his mind in such a way that he couldn't focus on any single thought. It wasn't until he was before the Hokage, a mask about to be handed over, did he blurt out, "I can't."

"You can't?" the Sandaime prodded.

With that a slew of word-vomit came out, "I can't become an ANBU. Being a member changes people and they die so _often_. We're pregnant, one. We- Kaori and I- are going to be parents and it's already hard enough finding time for the both of us to be at home, a baby will make it a necessity and ANBU would only make it worse. And I-...I just _can't_."

"Very well, you are dismissed then." Sandaime called out before he left the room, "Congratulations."

As soon he returned home he dropped to his knees and hugged his wife, "...I said no."

"Oh thank god." Kaori whispered fervently.

**.:_It's a _boy_!_:.**

"It's a boy!" Sakumo shouted, barging through the doors and into a meeting.

"Hatake-san!" One of the room's occupants tried to reprimand.

Sakumo ignored it, his enthusiasm undeterred by the range of expressions- disinterested, scandalized, curious, startled, bored and everything in between- as he repeated, "It's a _boy_! I'm a _father_!"

Tsunade was the first to catch on, "Your kid was born?"

He nodded rapidly and announced proudly, "Fifteen minutes ago- took over eighteen hours. 7 pounds, 5 ounces and 20 inches- I didn't throw up _and_ I cut the umbilical cord!"

"What's his name!?" Jiraiya called.

Sakumo stared blankly for a second, "I-...I _don't know_!" he nearly wailed before rushing back out the room.

Orochimaru scoffed, "If being a father means turning into _that_, then I'm staying single."

"Yeah," Kushina muttered, "_That's_ why."

"Let's get back to the meeting." Sandaime's statement cut through the conversations that had cropped up, settling the room back into it's attentive silence from before. "You have been-"

"Kakashi!" Sakumo bellowed, barging into the room once more. "My son's name is Kakashi! I took a picture!" this came as he waved said picture around in the air.

This, of course, drew the attention of everyone in the room as they crowded around for a look- Sandaime sighed good-naturedly before joining.

* * *

**A/N:** Because I saw a picture (the first part I was just curious on how he'd react).


	2. My Son, Kakashi

"'It's a simple A-Ranked assassination mission, only two weeks.' she said." Sakumo muttered, his audience of one infinitely more preoccupied with the bottle he held. "I have no idea what to do with a baby for a week, let alone two! Do _you_ have an idea, 'Kashi?"

Kakashi merely blinked up at him, swaddled in a dark blue blanket with white little paw prints on it's border, before ignoring him. Sakumo, entirely used to this, simply continued talking, "Well, you're not big enough to play at the park but...I haven't introduced you to the village yet!"

His son's face scrunched, nipple falling from his mouth as he let loose a displeased wail and a single sniff confirmed his fears, "Oh, that is _disgusting_! Kakashi! You definitely get _that_ from your mother..." After changing his son, a mildly traumatizing event when said child decided that _peeing_ on him was funny, cleaning and dressing the two of them he headed out the house and down the dirt path to the village.

"Who to start with...? Hyū-kun? Yama-chan? Jiraiya?" He mused as he walked, his son making garbled inputs, before catching sight of the Hokage Monument. "Sandaime-sama! What do you think about seeing the Hokage, 'Kashi?" Kakashi let out a vaguely pleased gurgle, Sakumo decided to take what he could. "Sandaime-sama it is!"

**.:_My Son, Kakashi_:.**

"Are you going to make a habit out of bursting into my office, Sakumo-kun?" the Sandaime queried as soon as he entered the room.

"I _have _been doing such frequently," he mused then Kakashi let out another gurgle and the moment of vague remorse passed as he displayed his son. "Sandaime-sama, I would like you to meet my son, Kakashi."

The Hokage humored him, going as far as to hold his son. "Hello, little one."

Kakashi, entirely unimpressed with a stranger holding him, burst into tears with a displeased wail. Sakumo immediately snatched back his son, cooing almost franticly- he couldn't stand his son crying. "Hush 'Kashi. Shhh...it's okay, you're alright. Daddy's got you.."

Sandaime-sama, for his part, seemed mildly amused at his antics- which he refused to be ashamed over as his son stopped crying to let out a pleased gurgle. "Is that all, Sakumo-kun?"

"Yes, Sandaime-sama." He left ignoring the blush he had gained because, while unashamed over his actions, he was talented enough to sense the ANBU silently laughing at him.

**.:_My Son, Kakashi_:.**

"Tsunade!" Sakumo whispered loudly as he entered the medic-nin's _sanctuary_, a decent-sized room modeled into a makeshift office, "Are you her-"

He paused once he made it into the room, blinked and realized that _yes_ the ones lauded as the _Legendary Sannin_ were indeed drunk and playing strip poker in a hospital- interestingly _Orochimaru_ appeared to be loosing, but then the man never could hold his drink. Almost instinctively his hand moved to cover his son's eyes, getting his thumb gnawed and drooled on for his trouble.

"I see you're busy...so I'll, uh, come back later- bye!" He rushed out before leaving as fast as he could without using _Shunshin_, shuddering when he came to a stop because Orochimaru was _naked_, save for his headband, and _singing_ and _ohgodwhy!?_

"Stay away from that one, okay." He told his son seriously.

Kakashi bared his gums in what could have been anything from a smile to a snarl, "Fair enough. Let's go find my testosterone-driven students, hmm?"

**.:_My Son, Kakashi_:.**

He ran into Kushina and Minato first, the two having had a _not-a-date-dammit_ meal together and exiting just as he was passing by, and it was Minato that spoke first. "Hatake-san? I thought you were watching you son since Hatake-san was on a mission."

"You can call me Sakumo, Minato-kun." he told the blond for what had to be the twentieth time, though he guessed it was better from the _'White Fang-Sama__'_ from when they had first met. "And I _am_, I just decided to introduce my son to the village."

Kushina perked up, peering at, what seemed to them, the blue bundle of blankets in his arms curiously, "Is that him?"

"Yes. Minato-kun, Kushina-chan this is Kakashi. _My son_." The last two words weren't really needed but he loved saying them because he was a _father_ and his son as _amazing_ and _beautiful_ and _wonderful_ and all that was good in the world and _no one_ could _ever_ convince him otherwise.

Kakashi, displeased with his face being exposed to the light whilst sleeping, waved an arm in distress as he let out a whimper that would develop into a wail if nothing changed. Almost desperately, because his son crying once was _one-thousand_ times too many, Sakumo crooned, "It's alright 'Kashi, Daddy has you."

The teens seemed at a loss as tears started to gather in his son's eyes before Minato seemed to have an epiphany and leaned close while covering his eyes, "Where's Kakashi?" the hands sprung open to reveal blue eyes, "There he is!"

The action startled his son enough that he blinked away the tears before peering at the blond curiously, "Where's Kakashi? There he is!" His son's lip pulled to show the beginnings of a gummy smile. "Where's Kakashi? There he is!"

And his son _laughed_.

It was then that Sakumo decided that Minato was a gift from the gods, though less of one then his son as his son was _perfect _and _nothing_ could _ever_ hope to compare to him, because _he made Kakashi laugh_. And would Jiraiya mind if Sakumo kidnapped his apprentice?

* * *

**A/N:** Peek-a-Boo never occurred to Sakumo, why it occurred to _Minato_, well, D-Ranked babysitting missions were good for some things.


	3. Four Monthiversary

"Sensei..._why_ do I have to change your son's diaper again?" Fugaku, his Uchiha student, asked as he held Kakashi away from his body like the child were an exploding tag about to go off. Sakumo was safely on the other side of the room with his other two students, Hyūga Hiashi and Aburame Shibi, as the Uchiha wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Training," Sakumo answered blithely, picking a reason out of the air, "You are the future Uchiha Clan Head, it will do you well to know what to do when you are to raise an Heir. Your teammates will be doing the same as they will also become Clan Heads."

When students straightened with newfound determination, Fugaku's brow furrowing as he set to work with semi-awkward efficiency gained from several pauses to glance at the childcare book he had graciously left for the thirteen year old, he idly wondered if he was a terrible teacher for taking joy in messing with his students. Recalling how Jiraiya had forced Minato into a frog suit (only allowed to hop and croak instead of walking and speaking) for two weeks under the claim of it being essential for the blond in order to sign the toad summon contract, Sakumo decided he could be worse.

Also, it was a shame that his students were all from clans whom generally looked down upon summon contracts.

"Today is a _big_ day, boys." Sakumo told the three later, cradling his son and hiding his amusement over Hiashi and Shibi patting a traumatized Fugaku sympathetically (spreading the trauma over diaper changing _definitely_ was a father's prerogative). "Do any of you know why?"

The three shared a glance before Hiashi offered, "It's Coming of Age Day?"

"No! Well," he paused as he thought it over, "Yes, but that's not what I'm getting at. You see, my adorable, sweet little testosterone-driven students," he expertly ignored their grimaces. "Today my son is _four months old_!"

"Sensei, that isn't reall-" Shibi tried.

He glared, directing enough killing intent towards the three that they simultaneously paled and started sweating (oddly, Kakashi clapped his hands happily), "Are you saying that my son, _the_ most perfect being to _ever_ grace this world, turning four months old _isn't_ an important occasion, hmm?"

Shibi swallowed, adjusting his glasses, "O-of course not Sensei. I was going to say, uh-..."

"That it isn't really enough of a notice for us to arrange something appropriate to celebrate the four month's Kakashi has been alive." Fugaku added smoothly.

He reigned in his killing intent as he eyed the three, "Good. Because if you _ever_ insinuate that my son's life _isn't_ worth celebrating then," he smiled at them cheerfully as he once again unleashed his killing intent. "They will never find your bodies, understood?"

"Y-yes, Sensei!" And those cracks in their voices were definitely _not_ from puberty- ah, the perks of being a jōnin-sensei.

"Good!" he allowed his smile to widen into a grin, "Now go on boys."

The three shifted and shared a glance before Hiashi spoke, "...Go, Sensei?"

"Arrange something appropriate to celebrate Kakashi's fourth month of life." He clapped his nervous students' shoulders, "Don't worry, I don't expect the _entire_ village to celebrate with us. I'll head over to the Hokage Tower around, hmm...five."

As the three scrambled to leave he heard mutters of "Not the _entire_, does that mean he expects _most_ of the village?" and "This is all your fault, Uchiha!"

Kakashi cheered with his tiny, fisted hands thrown into the air- Sakumo beamed at his son.

**.:_Four Monthiversary_:.**

"What's this?" Sakumo asked his son, holding up a picture of a puppy. Kakashi, secured in Sakumo's lap, waved his arms excitedly letting out a coo, "That's right, 'Kashi- it's a puppy!"

Kakashi cheered along with his own enthusiasm before pausing to regard him solemnly, placed a partially curled hand against his cheek and stated, "Dahh-dahh."

Sakumo froze for a moment, heart leaping into his throat before he pleaded with his son, "Say it again, say 'Dada'."

"Daadaa." Kakashi tried.

"Almost 'Kashi, _Dada_." he prompted.

His son frowned, "Daahh-" Kakashi gave up and blew a raspberry.

"Good enough." Sakumo nuzzled his son, crooning. "My beautiful, genius baby."

**.:_Four Monthiversary_:.**

"Sensei..." Hiashi called quietly, twisting to shush the crowd that, well, _crowded_ the doorway as he entered with his teammates.

Without looking, he _knew_ that Fugaku's eye was twitching at the scene they stumbled upon in the living room. "For fu-"

"Sensei would kill you if he finds out you cursed within twelve _yards_ of his son." Shibi injected idly.

The Uchiha's eye continued twitching but obligingly changed mid-word, "-udge's sake. He gets us all worked up to throw a party then _falls asleep_!"

The Aburame adjusted his glasses, "He would probably say this was also _training_." he drawled.

Hiashi glanced at his teammates then his sensei and counted backwards from ten before announcing, "I am going home, going to bed and going to try and forget this day ever happened."

"The back way." Shibi stated, already moving. "I would rather not tell everyone that they came for nothing."

* * *

**A/N:** Sakumo officially has a genin team that he terrorizes, affectionately dubbed (by him) "Team Testosterone". Also, Kakashi's first word (early, but he _is_ a genius)!


	4. Babysitter

"Are you _sure_ you're alright with watching him?" Hatake-san asked for the twelfth time.

Minato, for the same number of times, nodded, "Yes, Hatake-san. It's important for Uchiha-kun, Hyūga-kun and Aburame-kun to take missions and you _have _to be present as their jōnin-sensei."

"I know, it's just..." Hatake-san sighed, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. "Are you _sure_-..."

"_Sensei_!" the, until now, silent Uchiha-kun burst. "We'll _miss_ the client at this rate!"

He glanced worriedly over to where Kakashi-chan was fast asleep with the ear of a stuffed dog in his mouth before resolutely stating, "You _should_ leave Hatake-san, before Kakashi-chan wakes- you won't otherwise."

Minato had watched over Kakashi-chan before- though after Hatake-san found out that Jiraiya-sensei had attempted to take Kakashi-chan to the Red Light District to pick up women- and the child found it easier to deal with Hatake-san's disappearance if he wasn't awake when it happened. If he _was_ awake, though, then he'd through a fit of such proportions that Hatake-san would refuse to leave.

"Ah." Hatake-san made a noise of agreement and allowed his students to pull him away.

After locking the door and checking that Kakashi-chan was still asleep, Minato grabbed a book and settled down to read until the child woke up.

**.:_Babysitter_:.**

When Kakashi-chan woke up, it was with the displeased wail Minato now knew signaled a dirty diaper- which was taken care of easily enough as he had experience from several D-Ranked babysitting missions.

After that came lunch which consisted of mushy baby food that Minato understood the desire to throw away but didn't appreciate when some landed in his hair. Then came a bath, while a clone cleaned the mess in the kitchen, that consisted of killer flying duckies aimed at his head, far too much water out of the tub and his neck getting a crick as he tried to keep his head still while bathing his charge so a clone could clean his hair.

It was when they were settled in the living room, the forever to be unfinished decorated (with chibi _vegetables_ -of all things- that managed to be both cute and a bit disturbing) quilt Hatake-san had been making before the mission that lead to her death on the floor, that Kakashi-chan burbled a questioning, "Dada?"

"Daddy went with his team on a mission." Minato said, handing the boy a kunai-shaped plush toy.

"S'ay 'Oggy." Kakashi-chan told his stuffed dog seriously as he placed it on the quilt, patting it affectionately- if awkwardly- before accepting the plush kunai. "Dada be nin'a wit Gaku, 'Ashi an' Ibi?"

Minato nodded, "Daddy's being a ninja with Fugaku, Hiashi and Shibi."

The handle went into the boy's mouth briefly, "Nato s'ay wit 'Kashi?"

"Yes, I'm staying with you." The smile he got, one part tiny teeth and three parts gums, was _adorable_. "What do you want to do?"

The kunai was dropped, the dog grabbed by the tail, as Kakashi-chan crawled (the boy was _fast_) to him before scrambling into his lap. "S'ory!"

"We can do a story." Minato agreed, adjusting the child better and mentally planning how long to have the story so it lasted until dinner time. "Once upon a time in a land full of..."

"'Rees!" Kakashi-chan supplied.

He wove a low level genjutsu that made a forest appear before them as if a movie, "There was a brave and noble..."

"'Olf!"

The wolf he created was huge with white fur and yellow eyes, earning delighted clapping, "Wolf named..."

"'Unai!"

And so the tale was wove of a wolf named Kunai whom had been traveling far and wide in search of his son, Shuriken, whom had been kidnapped by the evil black cat, Iwa. Kunai had to enlist his best friend's, a dog dubbed Tantō, help to storm Iwa's evil lair defeat both Iwa and Kumo, a _white _cat (since there is a big difference apparently), in order to rescue Shuriken. But it wasn't _only_ Shuriken whom was rescued but the fox, Sai, and the coyote, Katana.

In the end Tantō became Sai's father, Katana became Shuriken's brother, Kunai married Katana's mom and they all lived happily ever after- having dunked the cats in water before burying them in ant hills.

Minato wasn't sure he understood the story all too well but Kakashi-chan enjoyed it and that was really all that mattered- also it kept the boy entertained enough that he hadn't even noticed that Hatake-san had been hovering in the doorway.

* * *

**A/N: **Kakashi's mom is officially dead- to those curious it was on the 'two week' mission- and Sakumo is not fine, but managing since he has a son and three teenagers to watch over. As for _Minato_ babysitting well, it was either _him_, the Hokage, Jiraiya, Tsunade or Orochimaru- Sakumo went with the best of what he had.


	5. People, As Told By Kakashi

There weren't very many people that Kakashi cared for besides Daddy, Nato, Gaku, Ashi and Ibi. Those five were the ones whom made up his entire world. That's not to say that Kakashi didn't know of others, he just didn't care for them much beyond knowing they were there though there _were _a few people of interest.

Raiya was the one who sometimes took him out to see girls but made Daddy yell about tainting his mind before taking him home.

Nade was the one he went when ever he was sick, or when Daddy thought he was sick and it was boring, and sometimes hurt but she always gave him five ryō at the end of each visit- so he could save up and buy something he liked.

Rochi was weird and stared at him as if he were an alien doing _miss-steer-E-us_ things that Rochi could figure out if only given enough time.

Daime was _old_ and wrinkly and Daddy's boss so had to be treated with respect but Daime was nice and sometimes told him stories.

Suma was Daime's son and was loud and sometimes stupid- he could barely read! And was older then Kakashi!- but was nice like Daime because Suma would share his toys with Kakashi and sometimes teach him games Suma learned from his brother.

Not-Ashi was Ashi's brother and was just like Ashi except when he wasn't- Not-Ashi was fun though because he would take Kakashi on top of the Kage _mon-U-meant _which was almost like flying when it was really windy.

Shina was Nato's and had the reddest hair Kakashi had ever seen- she brought him ramen and told him stories about when Nato was at the Academy and even let him help plan out her pranks.

And they were all interesting but not that important compared to the Daddy, Nato, Gaku, Ashi and Ibi.

Because Ibi spent hours when he had a broken leg teaching Kakashi how to read by getting his bugs to make a picture with the words beneath it.

Because Ashi used up the money he earned to buy Kakashi puzzles when he could use it to take his Hina out like Nato took his Shina and even took the time to help Kakashi when the puzzles were too hard.

Because Gaku taught him hand seals and even how to blow little fire balls even though it took forever since Kakashi wanted to surprise Daddy.

Because Nato took the time to visit Kakashi at least once every day that he was in the village even though Nato had friends and Nato's Shina to be with instead.

Because Daddy let him ride on his shoulders instead of walk so that he could see and _some-mund _his ninken just 'cause Kakashi wanted to see them and let Kakashi sleep in Daddy's bed when ever he has a bad dream.

Because Kakashi _loves_ them, they are the most important things in his world.

* * *

**A/N: **Kakashi...basically. This was difficult, Kakashi only wanted to say the first two sentences.


End file.
